Moments like this are the worst. Those milestones in life that everyone can look back at with fondness I just feel crushed. Today was my little sister’s senior dinner, and our mom was not there. Instead of being happy for achievements all my family can think and feel is the emptiness; that my mom isn’t there.
The last thing I want is for my sister to have a graduation like I did. My high school graduation was one of the worst events of my entire life. A day full of happiness that I was excited for since kindergarden was taken from me because the one person who wanted to see me walk the most wasn’t there. All my family and friends were miserable. My dad just cried. During my graduation dinner my grandma didn’t smile once. There was nothing but awkward silence. Silence and emptiness.
Preparing for graduation was rough as well. During the last graduation rehearsal when my fellow students and I were practicing going up on stage to take our diplomas I just broke down crying in front of my entire grade. I wanted to avoid that day more than anything knowing my mom wouldn’t be there.
Being up on stage, getting that diploma, that’s supposed to be that moment you feel proud, special and accomplished. The time I had on stage was the longest moment possible. All I could think of is where my mom would be with her huge smile. Instead I just saw the looks of misery on the faces of my close friends and family.
It’s not fair. It’s not fair it happened, it’s not fair that words to express this feeling don’t even exist. When my sister went up on stage tonight to get her chords for graduation all I could think of was my mom, and that smile. During moments like this my mom would have this huge smile. It looked like her cheeks would hurt, but she just kept smiling. But she wasn’t there.
It feels like a nightmare really. It’s been two years and I still can’t believe that she’s gone. I don’t understand why this had to happen to my family, and why out of all the people in the world it had to happen to one of the most good hearted people in it.
I really don’t know what to do. No matter how happy I am or what I achieve there is always that hole there. It’s like the elephant in the room that you can’t ignore no matter how hard you try, it’s still there.
I can honestly say out of everyone in my life, friends, family, etc that she was the one person who would never miss a single moment like that in my life. She would go every night to the show I was in, she would be in the front row at my thespian competitions, she took me to all of my college auditions. She was my sunshine. There is no word sad enough to describe how miserable I am without my mom and there is no word happy enough to describe how incredible my she was either, except for one; and that is sunshine.
That’s what she was. That’s what she’ll always be remembered as. And events and milestones just aren’t as happy without sunshine.
